There has been so many ups and downs in this little relationship. Many things that are out of my control. Many things said in the moment, not fully thought through and a bit harshly presented. A lot of bitter moments that seem to weight heavier than the beautiful. I don't understand why it has to be this complicated. I'd like to blame others, maybe its me, maybe its a God thing.
Why do you need thousands of dollars and a crowd full of people to get married. Why do you even need bridesmaids and groomsmen. Why do you have to walk down an alley to Canon in whatever key.
Why do people try and give advice that doesn't apply. Why do they encourage one to see past the struggles because they had it worse. I am finding advice doesn't really work.
I think I am so critical of religion because it feels like it is constantly trying to give advice. It is also strict. The people can be uptight and narrow minded.
The church plant is a pain because there isn't much relationship, but its about functioning. Doing your role. Its about showing up to praying meetings, saving face so that you can appear to be a good leader. Its about communicating in a way that seems like you are going deep, but in reality you are hiding struggle and vulnerability so that you can preserve an image.
We talk about the same logistics week in and week ago. We talk about good ideas, but its all talk. The lost, outreach, loving people. Talk talk talk.
They talk of shepherding and counseling me through things. Why would I receive counsel and advice from people I can't even be honest around.
Things get lost in translation. Things don't get communicated.
Its easy to look at the dark side these days. Lots of little logistical stresses that are bringing me down. Things that aren't really going my way. I've got my good days, but I am in a deep funk.
I sent in the details to Hillsong today. Hopefully it goes smoothly.
I've realized I need to find a good climbing community. People to be familiar with, whether we are close friends or not. I just need to give myself the time to do what I love. Be outdoors, climb, play guitar. I need to prioritize these things and I think I will be much happier.
I need to write everyday. I think that helps me process and get stuff out of my head. It gets so clouded and dark in there sometimes and it really is a seeping poison to my soul.
Why do you need thousands of dollars and a crowd full of people to get married. Why do you even need bridesmaids and groomsmen. Why do you have to walk down an alley to Canon in whatever key.
Why do people try and give advice that doesn't apply. Why do they encourage one to see past the struggles because they had it worse. I am finding advice doesn't really work.
I think I am so critical of religion because it feels like it is constantly trying to give advice. It is also strict. The people can be uptight and narrow minded.
The church plant is a pain because there isn't much relationship, but its about functioning. Doing your role. Its about showing up to praying meetings, saving face so that you can appear to be a good leader. Its about communicating in a way that seems like you are going deep, but in reality you are hiding struggle and vulnerability so that you can preserve an image.
We talk about the same logistics week in and week ago. We talk about good ideas, but its all talk. The lost, outreach, loving people. Talk talk talk.
They talk of shepherding and counseling me through things. Why would I receive counsel and advice from people I can't even be honest around.
Things get lost in translation. Things don't get communicated.
Its easy to look at the dark side these days. Lots of little logistical stresses that are bringing me down. Things that aren't really going my way. I've got my good days, but I am in a deep funk.
I sent in the details to Hillsong today. Hopefully it goes smoothly.
I've realized I need to find a good climbing community. People to be familiar with, whether we are close friends or not. I just need to give myself the time to do what I love. Be outdoors, climb, play guitar. I need to prioritize these things and I think I will be much happier.
I need to write everyday. I think that helps me process and get stuff out of my head. It gets so clouded and dark in there sometimes and it really is a seeping poison to my soul.
